[Crazy time crunch with how much I’ve been doing over the past 48 hours, so I fully expect I’ll need to do additional cleanup later on this and some other parts of the site, as well as the two story chapters posted today. I’d rather put up with some typos at this point versus delaying everything entirely. Practicality beats perfectionism, for once.]
Welcome to the internet, where:
—You’re allowed to be protective of hairstyles, but expected to meekly submit and cooperate when much larger parts of your identity as a human being are usurped by other people and treated as a skin suit for their entertainment or coping.
—The same people who favor using “Think of the children!” or “Children are dying!” for their arguments react with outrage if you actually do try to make it less easy to kill kids.
—The people who talk about being welcoming and accepting keep lists and have large swaths of folks they have no issue ostracizing.
—People will argue that child molestation isn’t such a biggie or that the kid was lucky or that they probably enjoyed or wanted it and thus it shouldn’t be considered a big deal.
—People will complain about minor examples of possible racism while standing up for examples that are egregious to the point of being almost cartoonish.
—And people demand that you not criticize, work against, make people feel bad about, or try to influence other folks’ behavior…while inherently doing the exact same things to you via their demands.
Also, carpeted bathrooms exist, what the fvck, people?
And that’s just a sampling. Spend enough time on here and you’ll find that the internet can truly be both a crazy and a crazy-making place.
Having seen the reactions some authors get when they announce stepping back for reasons of mental and spiritual health, I want to make a PSA here.
(I feel the need to preface this by saying that this isn’t particularly directed at my own readers, though it certainly applies to any who’ve behaved this way with other authors. In my case, my readers have been lovely and have not pressured me against taking breaks. Of course, that’s kinda easy for me to say since, knock on wood, I have not yet gotten to the point of needing to either leave the site entirely or leave a book unfinished for the sake of my wellbeing.)
Things like internet addiction, shopping addiction, and sex/pornography addiction are all REAL. Not everyone becomes addicted to everything, but you can become addicted to all kinds of things—not just drugs and alcohol. I think people tend to not take nontraditional addictions as seriously—indeed, I’ve even seen folks deny their existence outright—but those kinds of addictions can be destructive as hail and bring so much pain and suffering into the life of not only an individual but also those around and affected by it. I’ll let you do the reading yourself to catch up on the more technical side of all of this (how the addictions form, are worsened or treated, et cetera), but for now I’d actually like to share this fvcking phenomenonal song that captures, in such a raw and heartbreaking way, both traditional and nontraditional addictions and way sufferers get caught in this loop of trying to numb the pain in ways that ultimately just bring more pain and harm.
Mass of Man – Unhappy (feat. Olivia Charlotte & Bingx) | Mass of Man
[https://youtu.be/M9KLVjXmfjU]
And the thing is, even at levels below a full-blown addiction, you can still indulge in stuff at levels or in manners that are excessive and unhealthy.
What’s more, getting involved in certain stuff CAN lead to going down increasingly dark roads and towards engaging in or consuming progressively more unethical and even illegal materials. It doesn’t always happen, but it IS a risk, and some folks already have preexisting risk factors.
Additionally, there’s a whole lot of nuance within this, but fiction DOES matter. It can be and HAS been used to directly and deliberately cause real harm. You don’t get to act like it matters when you want to pat yourself on the back for filling checkboxes or make demands about what sort of material or characters should and need to be shown or not shown, then turn around and use “It’s just fictional!” as carte blanche for avoiding responsibility and hard discussions.
Sexually abusive and predatory people will use fiction to help normalize and justify their views and conduct, and fictional materials are also used to promote and perpetuate racism, just as two examples.
Consuming messed-up material CAN mess people up, and what’s more, it’s also possible that material may not be inherently unethical or a problem, but with specific individuals or specific context it is. For example, there’s material I’ve consumed myself that I would recommend and that I even think needs to be consumed more widely but that would NOT be appropriate for a young child for multiple reasons.
And I don’t consider romance or romance-focused fiction inherently harmful as a concept, but I think on a macro level that a LOT of damage has been done in how romantic/sexual relationships have been so inordinately focused upon and worshiped and obsessed over and this has been encouraged and cultivated by the entertainment industry.
Also, different types of material have different ways they affect the audience, and also different levels of attainability and plausibility in connection to real life. There are major differences between the vicarious thrill you might experience reading about a knight slaying a dragon versus training your audience and their neural pathways to become aroused and maybe orgasm or “edge” (sustain arousal while staying just shy of climax) when exposed to depictions of CSA or incest or rape or domestic violence.
As I said, there’s a lot of nuance to the question of fiction and its effects and what choices should be made in light of that, but I’m not trying to get into that extensively today; it’s just an example, and particularly relevant in talking about the relationship people have to this specific site and its content.
Also, just because you enjoy something on some level, that does NOT mean it’s either right, good, or a good source of true happiness. A lot of people have paid freaking high prices for either their own or others’ enjoyment.
If you’re registering yourself being led in bad directions on this or any other site, whether it’s in terms of the material you consume, the real-life conduct you’re willing to defend or make excuses for, the social circles you’re being drawn into personally, or whatever else, that’s a valid freaking concern and very real possibility. That doesn’t mean that anxiety or concern about that is always correct and substantiated, mind you—simply that it should not be dismissed out of hand with some business about how stuff online couldn’t possibly be having a negative effect, OR that it only matters or is real if you’re not having “fun” doing it.
And as much as I associate it with kids, it seems like plenty of supposed adults have failed to fully grow beyond the toddler mindset of failing to understand that there’s a bigger picture than the short term and that current enjoyment is not automatically the best or even a particularly relevant marker of the substance of a thing or choice and whether it’s positive and wise. Living on sugar and fast food, never brushing your teeth or bathing, and running out into the street carelessly without checking for oncoming vehicles are the kinds of things a kid might want to do and that might be “fun” in the moment, but an adult or even just a teenager is expected to have the maturity and comprehension to be able to look beyond that and look at the fuller picture.
And there’s another whole aspect to all of this. Even if you’re doing the most wholesome, positive schitt ever—spending all your time reading medical journals so you can cure ovarian cancer, and in between you spend your time training service animals, starting up nonprofits, and freaking meditating in your downtime—there’s still the fact that you can become so caught up in various pursuits that you end up neglecting things and people (or animals, for that matter) who matter.
People will sometimes neglect things like:
—Their own health, both mentally and physically —Their families (pets included) —Their friends outside of family —Other activities or individuals that would otherwise be important to them
And there’s all kinds of stuff to be caught up in. It can be anything from long hours at work to a gambling addiction to an excessive amount of online gaming to a charitable cause.
Work is definitely one of the most notorious culprits, and for some people it’s really not a matter of choice—their economic circumstances mean that they have to work excessive, overtaxing hours in order to make ends meet. This is not the kind of thing I’m talking about, really, though it can have some of the same effects despite the different motives at play. What I’m more talking about would be obsessive work that’s driven by a sense of personal ambition and drive, whether the end goal is status or even to help other people. Either way, a sense of balance and moderation is necessary; it’s not okay to just neglect the people in your life, especially those to whom you genuinely owe certain amounts of attention and time to. If you either adopt a child or otherwise put yourself in the position to become a parent, there are responsibilities you have, and expecting them to fend for themselves to an excessive degree because you’re focused on various optional pursuits is not acceptable.
Bloody Hades, I literally write in a fandom—as did this other author, in fact—where one of the central characters is pretty well known as an extremely work-focused/mission-focused man who struggles socially in general and also specifically has issues being a present enough father in both physical and psychological terms. Even when he’s with his children, sometimes it’s more as their boss and field commander rather than dad. That makes it even more ironic that there was this lack of support when the author talked about having become so caught up in online activities that she was neglecting (and also becoming isolated from!) her own family but that she wanted to remedy that.
And while stuff like the work issue is something that’s been going on for many years—
(Speaking of which, there is also the factor of what types of work are more prevalent in a society over the decades. On something like a family farm, the children are more a part of the workplace rather than being separated from parents for the duration of work hours.)
—there’s also a different realm these days with the internet. People have spoken at length about current culture and the obsession with online activities and attention. I’ll assume most of you are familiar enough with the concerns there. It’s absolutely possible to become immersed in online activities to the point of neglecting real life, and even an excessive level of psychological dependency and detachment from reality.
A particularly good excerpt from an article regarding this, mentioning both the dangers and benefits of online activities—
What concerns [Dr. Ali] Jazayeri most, from a psychologist’s perspective, is the danger of slipping too far into a virtual world and losing a sense of real life, real self, and real priorities.“Some people use this social media to create something that they are not,” he says, explaining that the virtual world can distract people so much from their real lives that they either forget who they are or become so involved in the reality they’ve created that they don’t want to work on their own issues.
“Instead of me trying to deal with things I don’t like about myself, I will go online and present myself in the way I’d like to be seen, without any changes to me. It’s dangerous, and very deceptive. If you look at the history of psychology, we’ve spent the last 100 years trying to help people know themselves better, deal with their shortcomings, deal with things they don’t want to have, so we have a very reality oriented atmosphere in our Western psychology.”
Jazayeri worries that an overreliance on this virtual world that we create online is undermining all the progress human beings have made in addressing real-life problems.
“As psychologists, we have theories based on the reality of patient’s [AJ’s note: The article should’ve written this in plural-possessive form.] lives. Our goal is to help people try to see themselves for the reality of what they are,” he continues. “But if we perceive that everyone else is perfect, then we push ourselves to become someone that we are not, and then we get frustrated, and then we get depressed.”
Like Turkle, and other experts, he is careful to also note the value of such sites for helping people do everything from reconnect with old friends and family members to rallying community members during times of national tragedy or disaster. However, he believes we need limits—that as a society we need to be vigilant about taking time to unplug, to disconnect, and to reconnect with ourselves and our real lives.
In a statement that echoes Gergen’s words from 1991, Jazayeri concludes by saying, “Someday, I hope we will appreciate that the computer is not a substitute for a real human being.”
A Virtual Life – How Social Media Changes Our Perceptions | TCSPP
https://www.thechicagoschool.edu/insight/from-the-magazine/a-virtual-life/
The online world is fragile. Ephemeral. Some of the most amazing people I’ve known and relationships I’ve had came about via the Internet. But most people you encounter online—in fact, this is also true of in-person, in-real-life interactions, as well—are not going to be your friends in a true and lasting sense. Of the 5,000 people who have “friended” you on Facebook, how many of them truly know you well? How many will be around in five years? How many of them would still be your friends if you took a political or social stance that they had a problem with?
The reality is that sometimes even family members and work colleagues who do know each other in real life will absolutely abandon, and then go further and outright trash each other, if that’s the way the winds are blowing. Parents will ice out their kids. Kids will freeze out their parents for not being “supportive” or “accepting” of all kinds of stuff they choose to do, which is fvcking interesting given that those same kids don’t consider themselves obligated to be “accepting” or “supportive” of their parents’ views or opinions or choices.
If that’s how IRL family can go, how much more fragility do you have with people whose relationships to you consist of their liking some pieces of content you made—or vice versa—or finding memes and witty one-liners from you amusing, and maybe having some conversations? Do you really think most of those relationships are going to be around in five or ten years? Or would be worth sacrificing time with aging parents over?
Don’t be careless about throwing yourself away for a bunch of random tetchy biscuits (like myself) on the internet who by and large will have very little self-sacrifice and loyalty and genuine love to show you in return.
Look, online-based stuff can be incredibly valuable. My sense of Ao3 is that it, or perhaps really the medium of online storytelling as a whole, has a higher proportion or incidence than average of people who use it as a way to cope with psychological or psychiatric or emotional issues, from trauma to anxiety and depression to touch starvation.
It varies by things like locale and available health coverage, but actual therapy and counseling can be fvcking expensive and are inaccessible to many, many people. Even the ones who can afford it can end up being put on waitlists because the available counselors are booked up already.
So, hey, we do what we can to cope, and we find folks who can relate in various ways, and both the stories and the people can potentially provide comfort and even genuine insight and helpful advice (or fvcking schitt advice that you will regret listening to. That happens, too).
But if your issues are actually worsening/intensifying from either the manner or amount in which you are using this site, or you’re occupying yourself here in lieu of (rather than alongside) taking the steps you can that would actually improve your life and lessen your suffering, then that’s actually doing you more harm than good.
And the reality is that not all coping strategies people have and use are good. Some are good as long as you don’t let them get out of hand (which is really true of things in general; positives in excess cause problems of their own). But some are bad even in small doses. Abusing other people as a coping strategy to deal with abuse you were victimized by is an example of the latter.
Also, the very fact people talk about the positive aspects like having insight into their own lives or a form of catharsis or to cope are part of why I find it disingenuous as Hades when folks turn around and pretend it only goes one way. There’s also a big difference between content that’s restricted to yourself or those in your home, like journaling you do as a therapeutic measure, versus taking that same content and putting it out on the web to have impact on the wider world. And there are sufferers and survivors on BOTH sides of arguments like this, so being one isn’t some kind of automatic argument ender. (Speaking of which, if you’re going to exclude or oppose those who do object to certain kinds of content, or demand that they stay silent/passive about it…that’s your prerogative to do so, but don’t turn around and lie like a coward about how everyone is welcome and included. If you’re going to choose sides, freaking own that instead of trying to have it both ways. And saying one side can and should create and promote whatever sort of content they want while demanding the opposite side just shut up and move on if they have a problem is NOT a fair trade. And in even taking and expressing this stance yourself, YOU are speaking out against and actively opposing behavior and words you don’t like!).
I think to an extent it’s human nature that people get defensive when you say or do anything that rains on their parade. Whether that parade is just a casual hobby, a firmly embedded habit, something they consider a calling in life, or a roaring fvcking addiction. And the more invested someone is in something, the more stubbornly and/or aggressively you can expect them to lash out if challenged. An addict may quite literally be killing themselves with their behavior (and causing all kinds of suffering for those around them, too) but still darned well deny it. Nature of the beast.
And I think that unfortunate author ran straight into that, especially since I believe I recognized at least one specific reader there who consumes some rather sordid material and thus has a vested interest in taking the disingenuous stance that fiction, by virtue of being fiction, inherently has no weight or impact or moral rating (as a recovering perv who has been into some incredibly fvcked-up stuff despite actually knowing better than average just how harmful and disrespectful it was to myself, my people(s), and others, this definitely smacks of the lies I would’ve told myself back at my worst, to allay my conscience. I’m probably lucky I never got so warped that I long-term lost my ability to even tell I was lying—some people seriously seem to detach from reality and the ability to comprehend or accept it even when confronted in detail—but pretending still made it a little easier in the moment to keep doing that schitt).
You know, I’ve already both seen and experienced good and bad in regards to internet content, internet relationships, and this specific site as well as just the realm of fandom and fanfiction. I’ve come across and consumed material and had interactions with people and had that be severely detrimental to things like my sobriety and general mental health, and I’ve come across and consumed material and had interactions with people who have been massively beneficial to my sobriety and mental health. My physical health has also been affected both positively and adversely. And I am not remotely alone in any of this.
My argument is not that everyone will be affected the same way by the same things, or that having disturbing or twisted content in a work automatically means the story itself endorses it or has a significant risk of steering people in that direction. That is entirely too reductive, and inaccurate. In fact, I think it’d be massively detrimental to humanity if we had no fictional material that addresses the darker sides of life and the struggles and traumas people go through and crimes they are victimized by. My argument is instead that these are serious issues and both authors and users deserve better handling and to have this stuff taken seriously.
Also, I saw folks make comments suggesting the author must have been inducted into a cult or under some kind of coercion to want to do this. To be fair, those kinds of situations do happen and isolating you from your social circle can also be a method used by abusers (on balance, removing yourself or being removed from toxic influences is also an important step in things like seeking and maintaining sobriety, and BREAKING abusive dynamics and getting kids away from harmful situations like grooming and cyberbullying). And people have different experiences, so maybe some of the folks I saw have even seen actual cult situations and this truly reminded them of that.
That said, Ao3 is a place where, amongst other things, you’ll find plenty of material either from or influenced by a whole subculture centered around schitt like being sadistic, abusive pricks towards the folks you claim to care about just so you can get your rocks off. Not to mention the incest carp. Or the content that sends the message that rape is okay if your victim starts “enjoying themselves” partway through your assault of them. Or stuff about sexually assaulting unconscious victims (yeah, this is increasingly reminding me of actual cases. And of not only assailants but also the bystanders who did nothing but film and maybe laugh it up). Or any combo of the preceding. If you’re worried about the prospect of a kid being inducted into a cult or sequestered unhealthily or otherwise being drawn into bad situations and having boundaries crossed, I’d be way the fvck more worried about their being ON Ao3 rather than leaving it! And this site can be an absolute hazard zone for people who are underaged or have other major vulnerabilities at play. There are very good reasons for there to be legal protections regarding the exposure of minors to certain kinds of content. …And clearly even some supposed adults have incredibly warped standards, and perceptions of reality, though it’s very worth asking when and how that actually got started with them.
Also…writing is a lot of bloody work and it’s being done here for pretty much free. As someone who’s previously left her own mental and physical health a wreck working for free and nearly free and still struggles to manage both that behavior and its results…I DO NOT RECOMMEND THAT, KIDS. I wouldn’t really recommend that if you are getting paid decently, but the less you have to show for it long-term, the worse a deal it is. Seriously, do not let your heart get destroyed chasing tokens of validation at the cost of losing who you are or neglecting more important things and people in life.
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